Sequins and Sunday Mornings: July 2015

My Struggle of Being on Display

10:14 AM

So here is a little peak into my mind and just a few of my thoughts through out this pregnancy.

Mid January me and Chase found out I was pregnant. Unmarried, and very very young. I had just finished my first semester of my second year of college, and Chase had just finished his first semester of his first year. We were so young, very scared, and lost. The only thing we really knew at this point, was that we were inlove. Marriage had already been discussed on multiple occasions, and so had children. But not this freaking soon. I think I cried for 3 days straight. Chase was definitely such a blessing during this time for me, I don't know how I would've made it through this without his constant reassurance. But even then, I still felt ashamed, undeserving, and selfish.

I strayed away from going to my brothers basketball games, or making plans with friends or family as I didn't want to embarrass them. My sins were out in the open. I felt the judgement from everyone. Sorority sisters, friends from high school, extended family... I felt the judgement, but felt they had every right to judge me. I had done, what I considered, a monumental sin. I deserved the things they were saying, and the looks I was receiving. Everyone I had cared about had forgiven me, so why couldn't I forgive myself?

My friends were all very supportive, my family never shameful. Even with the copious amounts of support we were getting I couldn't help but still feel ashamed of myself. I knew what people would be saying behind my back. I felt ashamed for not being married before I got pregnant. I knew I was going to get a ton of, "It's about time"s. I felt like I didn't have a right to be excited about this blessing, that I had to hide myself as to not make other people uncomfortable.

Growing up I had always been the one to get caught. No matter what I did, I got caught. It could be the same thing every single one of my friends was doing, and I was still the one to get caught. I underage drank in college, ended up with 2 tickets. And in this case, I had pre-marital sex and got pregnant. I used to wonder why it was always me. Why I had to be the one who everyone knew about. I used to curse God for letting me get found out. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do the same things as all the other kids. As I got older I realized what a true blessing that was. To be so unrefined and raw in front of my God. No pretending, no facade. I was always my truest form, the way God saw me. So while others were judging me because I got caught, I was already being forgiven by my Savior.

It wasn't until very recently that I decided to let my shame go. I was taught that no sin is greater than the other. That we're all human, we all make mistakes. This had been His plan all along. I constantly ask myself every time I feel shameful- Who is anyone to judge you besides Him? And who am I to question the job He has called me to? We all fall short of the glory of God! His love is so so undeserved. I had come to the realization that my Savior had forgiven me. He had forgiven me long before I came to forgive myself. To be carrying my daughter is the biggest job God has trusted me with. I am carrying a human life, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Once I decided to finally feel the joy of motherhood, I have been much happier. Disregarding the things others have said about me, and only focusing on His opinion of me. Children are a blessing from the Lord. Psalms 127:3-4. And I am doing an injustice to this baby God has blessed me with to not feel the joy she brings me.

If you are a young mom, or anyone going through anything similar, remember this is HIS plan. We are on this earth simply to serve Him. He has called you to do one of the greatest jobs. He has called you to be a mother. Forgiven yourself, for He has already forgiven you.

lifestyle

Let's Talk About Comfort Zones

9:48 AM

maternity

Baby Bump Update! 30 Weeks

6:41 PM

So today I am 30 weeks along, and wow this entire thing has flown by. Leighton will be full term in 7 weeks, and everything is happening so so fast. This week I was going to be productive and get tons of things done and take pretty pictures, but instead I have literally stayed in bed for the past few days because I have had NO energy. Of course when I want to get things done, I can't because I have no energy. Sounds about right, doesn't it? Well this week, L decided to make her big debut and finally pop! I actually look more than 4 months pregnant now! My tummy is very round and my belly button also popped out. I'm happy to say I actually look pregnant. I think she might be getting ready to make her real debut soon...what do you think about that?

How many weeks?: 30 w 4 days

Weight gain: We had a doctors appointment this week, and I have only gained 3 pounds since last week.

Clothing: Still not needing too many maternity clothes, just my maternity shorts.

Any stretch marks?: Yes! My stretch marks are soo weird. They are on my sides and extend down my back, they are hardly noticeable and very small but it still irritates me that they are there at all. I've been using organic coconut oil to keep my body moisturized to try to keep the stretch marks to a minimum.

Am I getting ANY sleep?: I get about 7 hours a night with tons of waking up. My back has been hurting a ridiculous amount and I can't move around or get comfortable, I sleep with like 10 pillows to try to support my back hahah

Happiest thing that happened this week: Choosing the apartment me and Chase are going to move into soon :)

Lets talk about cravings: Reeses! Or anything with chocolate and peanut butter. (Literally eating peanut butter chocolate cookies as I write this)

Anything making you queasy or sick?: Nothing specific but I have been very nauseous this week!

Gender: Still a girl haha

Symptoms: All the normal things, backpain and nausea

Looking forward to: Setting up baby girls nursery

Hows my mood?: Very good:)

See yall next week!