My Struggle of Being on Display
10:14 AM
Mid January me and Chase found out I was pregnant. Unmarried, and very very young. I had just finished my first semester of my second year of college, and Chase had just finished his first semester of his first year. We were so young, very scared, and lost. The only thing we really knew at this point, was that we were inlove. Marriage had already been discussed on multiple occasions, and so had children. But not this freaking soon. I think I cried for 3 days straight. Chase was definitely such a blessing during this time for me, I don't know how I would've made it through this without his constant reassurance. But even then, I still felt ashamed, undeserving, and selfish.
I strayed away from going to my brothers basketball games, or making plans with friends or family as I didn't want to embarrass them. My sins were out in the open. I felt the judgement from everyone. Sorority sisters, friends from high school, extended family... I felt the judgement, but felt they had every right to judge me. I had done, what I considered, a monumental sin. I deserved the things they were saying, and the looks I was receiving. Everyone I had cared about had forgiven me, so why couldn't I forgive myself?
My friends were all very supportive, my family never shameful. Even with the copious amounts of support we were getting I couldn't help but still feel ashamed of myself. I knew what people would be saying behind my back. I felt ashamed for not being married before I got pregnant. I knew I was going to get a ton of, "It's about time"s. I felt like I didn't have a right to be excited about this blessing, that I had to hide myself as to not make other people uncomfortable.
Growing up I had always been the one to get caught. No matter what I did, I got caught. It could be the same thing every single one of my friends was doing, and I was still the one to get caught. I underage drank in college, ended up with 2 tickets. And in this case, I had pre-marital sex and got pregnant. I used to wonder why it was always me. Why I had to be the one who everyone knew about. I used to curse God for letting me get found out. I couldn't understand why I couldn't do the same things as all the other kids. As I got older I realized what a true blessing that was. To be so unrefined and raw in front of my God. No pretending, no facade. I was always my truest form, the way God saw me. So while others were judging me because I got caught, I was already being forgiven by my Savior.
It wasn't until very recently that I decided to let my shame go. I was taught that no sin is greater than the other. That we're all human, we all make mistakes. This had been His plan all along. I constantly ask myself every time I feel shameful- Who is anyone to judge you besides Him? And who am I to question the job He has called me to? We all fall short of the glory of God! His love is so so undeserved. I had come to the realization that my Savior had forgiven me. He had forgiven me long before I came to forgive myself. To be carrying my daughter is the biggest job God has trusted me with. I am carrying a human life, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Once I decided to finally feel the joy of motherhood, I have been much happier. Disregarding the things others have said about me, and only focusing on His opinion of me. Children are a blessing from the Lord. Psalms 127:3-4. And I am doing an injustice to this baby God has blessed me with to not feel the joy she brings me.
It wasn't until very recently that I decided to let my shame go. I was taught that no sin is greater than the other. That we're all human, we all make mistakes. This had been His plan all along. I constantly ask myself every time I feel shameful- Who is anyone to judge you besides Him? And who am I to question the job He has called me to? We all fall short of the glory of God! His love is so so undeserved. I had come to the realization that my Savior had forgiven me. He had forgiven me long before I came to forgive myself. To be carrying my daughter is the biggest job God has trusted me with. I am carrying a human life, and that is nothing to be ashamed of. Once I decided to finally feel the joy of motherhood, I have been much happier. Disregarding the things others have said about me, and only focusing on His opinion of me. Children are a blessing from the Lord. Psalms 127:3-4. And I am doing an injustice to this baby God has blessed me with to not feel the joy she brings me.
If you are a young mom, or anyone going through anything similar, remember this is HIS plan. We are on this earth simply to serve Him. He has called you to do one of the greatest jobs. He has called you to be a mother. Forgiven yourself, for He has already forgiven you.
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